Chronicles of a Local Man

“Oshodi, Oshodi, Ikeja Along, Oshodi!” deafening sounds from bus conductors on a typical weekday in the commercial hub of an Oil-rich west African state. “Bros, come siddon for front make we dey go nah, Oshodi, National, Along” this one more specific, addressing me directly but no, I won’t give in. The traffic up ahead is out of this world especially on days when the devils are released. In this city, there are days when you can get a tad lucky and spend less time in traffic (key word: less time) and those are days when the Lagos traffic devils are snoring.

“Aboki, you dey go National?” I approached the nearest biker. “Oga, I no fit reach National or Along ooo, na Ajayi Farm I go stop”, he explained that there’s a police road block ahead and ‘Okadas’ were being arrested. Okay, Ajayi farm estate it is. One more passenger and off we go.

Apparently, Ajayi Farm is close to Ikeja Along bus stop (‘Along’ for convenience) and a little trekking won’t hurt. Afterall we all read about the numerous health benefits of walking for at least a few minutes every day…even if this one isn’t from my heart.

I walked past Ikeja Along to National and found my way to MM2, it was just about 12 minutes past ten for an 11 ‘o clock flight to the Centre of Unity. Trust those Airport Baggage handlers to do their thing “Bros wey your ID card? Which Airline?” a middle aged man approached me as I set foot into the terminal, “Why sir?” and “Arik sir” were my responses (being the ever polite gentleman). “You have to board as soon as possible sir, Arik leaves by 11” he said. I thanked him and told him I can find my way around (Really, I can find my way around. I’ve been through this process a couple of times. My elder sister is a regular flyer). In a few minutes I got my boarding pass, checked my school bag in and proceeded to board the aircraft. A little walk through the building and there’s a bus waiting to convey us to the aircraft (this is where local man tendencies began. I wondered why we couldn’t walk down to the aircraft since it’s just about about hundred and fifty metres ahead and walking is healthy but local man kept calm).

Woah! This is huge! I was astonished, I had never seen a plane this close in almost three decades of my entire existence on planet earth. “Senior man, I see you when you dey check in ooo” a young airfield worker teased me (LOL! These hustlers, I no get bar to drop abeg). “Baba na you ooo, I no gallant now, no vex” I responded as I alighted the bus and approached the attached staircase of the aircraft.

Okay, take a step bro, slowly, careful now, don’t miss a step. I took a deep breath, started climbing and got in in no time.

“Can I see your boarding pass sir?” a member of the cabin crew asked, “Of course, there you go” I responded, “22B sir, enjoy your flight” “Oh thanks” I replied effectively ending the chat. That’s the seat number, it had been on the boarding pass all along but I never looked at it. Three steps in and it’s the first cabin of two seats on both sides extended back to about five rows, all filled up. The arrangement needs no explanation, na chairmen be this. Only a transparent blind separated that cabin from the next and a few more steps, I was in the next cabin of three seats on both sides extended back to infinity. “Correct! See my people oo” I thought in excitement.

One thing I observed is that for all the “African time” tendencies of an average Nigerian, they won’t miss their flights. Otherwise, how do you explain an almost filled aircraft with well over forty minutes to take off? (that’s a story for another day).

A few more steps and 22B was right in my face, it’s a middle seat. Middle seats are the worst on a plane, the very least is that you have to compete with your seat mates to get a decent space to place your hands.

Seat belts in (those movies aren’t for fun you know). Apart from saying ‘hi’ to my seat mates on getting in, I couldn’t even talk to them because one is a bookworm holding a giant paperback novel aloft (if all you’ll do all through the trip is read a novel why not give up your seat and let local man sit by the window and enjoy the view?) and the other person had nothing to worry about, he slept throughout the trip.

“Welcome on board, once again this is Arik air. My name is Olawale Akinjide (not real name, can’t remember) and I am your pilot. Lagos to Abuja will take about fifty minutes provided the weather remains clear as it is. We’ll be flying at an altitude of 30,000 ft above sea level…” the pilot kept talking but I got lost in thoughts and came back alive when I heard “…and in any case of emergency…?” “Ah! Ori iya mi ooo! Emergency bawo?” Local man didn’t sign up for this. “…and if you need any help, don’t hesitate to contact the members of the crew, do enjoy your flight” he ended.

At about 10:50 am, ten minutes to take off, all passengers seated, members of the cabin crew took strategic positions in the plane making a demo on what to do in case of emergency as the pilot started talking again. It was a wonderful sight, a choreographed movement, moving their body parts in unison while making a demonstration of what the pilot was saying. “…please ensure you put your equipment on before trying to help others, do enjoy your flight” those were his last words, the crew members disappeared and off we go.

The plane started moving slowly at about 40km/hr, she made a left turn twice, it was all cool and fun until she transitioned suddenly into a speed (velocity?) of over 100km/hr. That shit scared the living daylight out of me, I looked around and others appeared unfazed. She left the ground finally, OMG! Local man is flying, mama I made it. There’s this feeling of weightlessness just as she left the ground, just like in an elevator but this one is different, it’s huge, like you’re floating. My sister told me about this before, I can relate now. Everyone around me were all relaxed (Chai! These people don enter plane taya!) I did well to hide my apparent nervousness and elation but for the book my seat mate was reading, she would have noticed my apprehensiveness. Fast forward to the next thirty seconds and for the first time in my life, architectural modelling actually made sense to me. I have a number of friends who built cities out of cardboards but it’s all a joke before now and hey, Lagos is beautiful.

Some fifteen minutes in, and she’s in the clouds and I must admit that you have to be an Atheist or a regular flyer not to get enthralled by the magnificence of the Almighty. Beautiful won’t do justice to what I saw, nothing but white patches of clouds. I kept looking on for the next ten minutes till I got bored. Since there’s no new thing to look at, I took out my phone, scrolled to my book reader app and started reading a book, The Naturalist (it’s a wonderful book, thank you Bilaal).

Some minutes later and it’s snacks time. Thank you Arik, I’m freaking hungry, I ravaged everything in the pack in no time. Peeped through the window again and it’s still clouds, I guess that’s it for the view.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re landing in about ten minutes, please fasten your seatbelts”

“Ah! Now now? Oshodi to Lekki gan takes longer, 25k don finish on top one stupid puff puff and juice wey una package give us, abeg give me change ooo” local man didn’t want it to end.

Descending from the clouds and Abuja came into view, architectural modelling made sense yet again. Remember the sensation I explained about going off ground? It’s almost the same as landing except this time with a loud sound as she hit the runway, it’s a bit scarier too. Even my sleeping seat partner got up, the only other time he opened his eyes was to collect his snacks, weird guy. She finally came to a halt after maneuvering through the runway.

“Thank you for choosing Arik, do enjoy the rest of your day” the pilot bade all passengers goodbye. “Thank you ooo, eeyan D’Banj, Mr Emergency” local man muttered. 

I descended from the aircraft and into a bus that conveyed all passengers to the terminal, picked my bag at the exit point of the conveyor and readied myself for the task ahead.

Hello Abuja...


...to be continued!